Helping the Grieving, Part 1

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. – Romans 12:15

According to Paul, part of God’s will for your life is that you learn empathy. We are to rejoice with others when good things come their way. But we are also to grieve alongside them when the dark times come. Notice that Paul didn’t say we are to comfort them? That’s because comforting them would be in large part impossible.

There is no easy way to help. There are no clear-cut, three-step answers. There is no pill that can be taken, nor wonderful counsel that can be given that will suddenly cause the grieving to say “AH! I see!” and immediately feel better. But there are some things you can do to help the process.

Understand that there is nothing you can say. Simply be with them, give them your physical presence. Hug them, hold their hand and say the only thing that can be said. “I’m sorry you’re suffering. I love you.”

Cry with them. Shoulder a small part of the grief with them. Empathize. Let them know that it’s all right – they don’t have to be strong.

Do not use platitudes. Never say “I know how you feel.” Never try to compare your sufferings with theirs. Even if you too have lost someone, it’s never exactly the same. Besides, even if it was, there is no point in trying to minimize how they feel.

Be very cautious about appealing to “God’s will.” You don’t know what God’s will in this matter is. And even if you did recognize the clear hand of God in it, you don’t know why He’s doing what He’s doing.

Don’t “look for the bright side.” Don’t try to remind them of the good things they have going on in their lives. Allow them to grieve this loss without burdening them with the responsibility of wisdom and strength.

Patiently listen as they rage against the pain. They will say the same things over and over again. This is because their mind is trying to find a way to cope – a way to understand what has happened to them. Sit quietly and listen without holding their more wild statements against them.

Be patient with their vacillation. They will want to be alone, but they will not be able to stand being alone. They will suddenly calm down and then just as suddenly break into heaving sobs. This is all perfectly normal and, with time, will level out. Just ride the storms with them.

Ask questions. If something they’re saying is unclear or possibly suicidal, gently probe to determine what they mean. Don’t perform a psychological autopsy. Don’t analyze too heavily. Just make sure they know you’re listening.

Being a Christian is about more than merely making it to heaven. It’s about becoming Christ-like. And when Jesus saw others grieving, before he taught, before he raised the dead, before anything else…Jesus wept.